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Sunday, December 17, 2006

Who am I?

I feel so detached from my life and from myself.

The image I see in the mirror seems like a stranger to me. Even my own name sounds kinda familiar but at the same time alien enough to ask myself whose name is it?

Sometimes, I even ask myself what my name is and come to a conclusion, after a lot of reasoning, that since people around me call me Deepa and my identity cards also show the same name, I must be this person called Deepa. I find myself walking along with my physical form and see myself do things as if I am watching someone else.

It seems like I, Deepa (the identity) and the walking, talking, living form are 3 different entities, each on a different plane of existence.

Who or what am I?

Am I merely a soul stuck in this mortal form which is trudging along in this life as one of the seven births in the form of a human being?

I find myself wandering in this materialistic world without an ambition of my own or any purpose which is convincing enough to bring myself to “live” and not simply exist.

I wake up in the morning only to spend a few moments thinking of what I am doing here and what I should be doing, once the hard reality bangs me right on my head.

I feel like a lost soul which is loitering around waiting to complete some unfinished business without any idea of what that ‘unfinished business’ is.

The days are just passing by with the hope of the times when I would be living a life full of things that I am passionate about (now, a research needs to be done on what I am passionate about) and thinking of the times in my past when I was blue and laughing at it with this thought, attached with a sense of accomplishment -“eppidi iruntha naan, ippidi aayittaen!”

Is this just a passing phase or some kind of seasonal depression or do I really need to find who I am and the purpose of my living to live a meaningful life?

I really have no idea.

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

Deepa,

To be frank I remembered only the Jackie chan movie when i saw the title :-)hehe....ok!. Let me give you some serious useful gyan

I think its high time for you take basic course in Art of Living.

Beleive me! its worth the time you spend and also you will get answers for most of your questions though not all. Wish you discover yourself sooner.

Cheers!

Vignesh

Anonymous said...

Try this funny link below..

http://www.starfall.com/n/me/me/load.htm?f

It will not certainly answer your questions but certainly help you come out of depression...

Enjoy!

Vignesh

Anonymous said...

hello Deepa,
I thot of putting my comments to let u know that what u r talking about is not just related to u only, but is a stage in life which every one should suruvive. It's the phase transition from an independent life to a new life with responsibility!. And over the time you may find youself lost more with more responsibilty.
I'm not an expert to give adivice but from experience this is the time when you should be more conscious about yourself and act.
Don't worry about things happening around which hurt you. just kick it out of your mind..relaxxx :)

My final comment: This blog is very funny..I couldn't stop laughing while reading. The title its self tells what's wrong with u :))

Deepa said...

@ Vignesh!

Thanks.. the link was very 'enlightening'

@ Anonymous

This blog is very funny..I couldn't stop laughing while reading.

I'm surprised that u found it funny...coz there's nothing funny about it.

Anonymous said...

:-) You are welcome!

Vignesh

Anonymous said...

Deepa probably you need a companionship which will give answer to the question "Who AM I ?? "

Anonymous said...

Deeps Think its time to consider having a Boy Friend or Lover

y said...

hmmm .... even after attending "Art of living" what are ** you **?? going to get ..
Is it your identity *Deepa* going to get benifit out of it .. or is it *you* !?

from other blogs of yours, i could sense that you are not moody person and fun loving
and typical scorpio ..

why *you* didnt get this question "who am i", when you were enjoying your sports,
when you were enjoying your hostel life, when you were enjoying you b'day celebrations !?

your stmt : "I find myself wandering in this materialistic world without an ambition of my own or any purpose which is convincing enough to bring myself to “live” and not simply exist."

What do you mean by living life, how do you define it !? (i dont even know why i am responding to this blog ! )

Materialistic world ... yes, that may bring *you* to a state of depression / lonely

Ambition - mm.. that may bring self satisfaction when you achive it, but still, is it *you* getting benifit out of it !?

To confuse more ... just read out, "The brief history of time" by Hawking ;-)

We are all bounded .. could be time / could be any other dimension and trying to find out and get out of it ...
when you think about it those ... will get a question, who am i, why am here, what am i doing here, what if i am not here ...


It was surprising to see such a blog from you ..

relax ..keep it cool, time will heal and fill the gap .... (and its again time, which makes the gap !)

Anil said...

I am very glad that you have embarked upon the real question, the question that matters the most. Who am I? Only a real thinking mind can think to this tune. I am sure you will be answered just keep looking for the answer. It can be anywhere and can come to you in any unexpected form. Every day is a new opportunity to change life, don’t waste them. Definitely you might be reading a lot about life and stuff and when the time is ripe a new teacher will come to you and there after there is no turning back. Best of luck in this ordeal of life.

Deepa said...

@ Anonymous

Thanks for the suggestion.

@ Anonymous( hope this anon is another person)

Having a boyfriend wud answer my question?? I don't think so..
May be I just wudn't think abt "Who am I?" for sometime... and that doesn't mean that it is 'coz the question is answered.

@ Y

Hmm.. waqt ka pahiya...

@ Anil

Keep looking for the answer?
The other day, when I was waiting for a friend, a person from ISKON who was selling books like Bhagwad Gita was asking me to take a look at a book he had in his hand.. n guess wat? That book was about Self Realization.

VJ said...

Hi Deepa(?),
These philosophers (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Existentialism) might give you some new perspectives different from your current views. This is not a passing phase for a person who has dared to ask such questions. On a lighter note, i remembered a dialogue...'It is not the answer...it is the question that drives us.' - Trinity whispers to Neo.

Anil said...

Yes keep looking for the answer. Keep looking around you. What you need most and that turning point of life will not be far away. Always look around and be prepared to embrace what beckons you. Never be afraid to take that little risk to change your life. Self realization is the ultimate aim of human life but the way each person attain it is unique to him or her. So these books can help you to know what it is and may not help much in the path to it. If you really into it maybe you must read Shri.Aurobindo or Shri.Krishnamoorty.

Anonymous said...

I thought it's a 30's syndrome :-) some of my friends are going tro this including me and i guess you got it a few yrs earlier, anyways this is more due to the routine you are on, the stress, monotonous work schedule, try to get a break from that and take off for a month and go to a new place (take a vacation, if your manager says NO, CHANGE UR JOB) and you will get a different perspective of life and yourself..

my friend suggest these sites / books but i haven't got a chance to read this yet..

http://deepakchopra.com

http://www.robinsharma.com

good luck and post your response when you come back from your vacation!

-vm

MohanPrabu Janakiram said...

You are who you think you are.