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Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Loneliness


Loneliness… feeling alone even in a crowd… everyone must have felt lonely sometime or the other. Usually, it is due to the mood swings. But in my case, I have realized that I’m happy and cheerful during my mood swings (which occurs very rarely) and somber otherwise.

I have been alone all the time, since the day I remember. When I was very young, I was all alone until my brother was born. But we used to do only one thing together and that was fighting and hitting each other with whatever came into our hands, pulling each other’s hair, which has now thankfully, diminished to only quarreling and hurtling the choicest of words from our little Sourashtra vocabulary that we have.

Even today I feel like an alien among the earthlings. Either I am invisible to the people around me or I feel as if I am an ugly attachment to the group of people I am with, just like the hump on ‘the Hunchback of Notre dame’.

Basically, I am a very detached person… I don’t become friends with people easily and don’t even feel sad when I have to part with my friends. I need to be close to a person, like sit together in the class or something like that, for a very long time before one naturally becomes my friend. And in this instant kaapi world, this is not practical. Is that the reason why I am lonely?

In the 21 years of my life on this planet, I have realized that I unconsciously imbibe the characteristics of the people I am close to… kind of transformation of my personality to become a reflection of another person. Eeeks! Gives me the creeps!
For the above given reason, I have to choose my friends ultra carefully…someone similar to me but different. Is that a reason why I have very few friends?

I once read in a psychology book that in the late teens and early adulthood, people yearn to be accepted by their peers and are in constant search for someone who can listen to them and with whom they can talk to. Now, some very fortunate ones have their parents, usually their mother, as their first best friend. I am not close to my parents either. Our talks are limited to only information sharing and nothing like sharing of each other’s feelings… you know what I mean?

Is that the reason why many youngsters fall in love at this age? Leave the role of the hormones in attracting people of the opposite sex to each other as in the cases of ‘love at first sight’. I mean the love that blooms after the couple understand each other well enough and the umpteen number of times they keep asking themselves and the others around them…”Kya yehi pyaar hai?” only to be answered “Haan, yehi pyaar hai!”

My theory is that, when you are feeling lonely and want a person to open your heart to, the first person (or the only person) who really listens to you and shares your feelings is the person you naturally fall in love with. It’s not that you always fall in love with such a person, but there is higher probability of that understanding turning into true love, especially when the person is of the opposite sex, though it can be true friendship too. Now, it entirely depends on them.

I once read somewhere that it is in the loneliness that you become closer to God. And in my case, I found that it was true. One reason being that I haven’t found the person I talked about in the previous paragraph. So instead of falling in love, my belief in God has become stronger than ever.
I like Lord Ganesha. Whenever I pray to him, he listens to me and also grants my wishes. Well, I’ll give you a small example. This may sound very crazy or even childish, but it will give you an idea of how your true wishes will be granted if you believe in God... One day as I was going to the college, I prayed to him, ”Oh Lord! My life is so boring. Make it exciting, please!”

And that whole day my friend and I were laughing over something very unusual that happened in the morning at college. Even if I do explain what happened, no one would understand or find it funny at all ‘coz it is something that only we two share.

In an interview I saw on Sunday, Kamal Hasan said, ”A person (an artist) is never alone…he may be alone in a crowd, but he is always surrounded by his thoughts.” Now I understand… I have not been alone, after all. My thoughts have given me constant company all through my life.

So the next time you are lonely, be happy that you are going to find light at the end of the tunnel in the form of true love or God... as for the others like me, enjoy hanging around with your thoughts!

16 comments:

Ashwin Murali said...

Oh k!!! This is the height of intellectualism... Cool word eh??? Wow!! Soul stirring post yaar!!!

Brain dead said...

Deepa,

You are what You are.But i do not agree with your concept of love.

love in its real sense is a rarity.you have said that the first person with whom you are able to share your feelings turns into love.It lasts only as long as you get another person who is more attractive and sweeter.

Karthik said...

Every day is different and has a purpose. You got lonely and that has given you time to think about life in general. consider it an opportunity rather than see it as a bad phase.
All the best.

Deepa said...

Thank u Ashwin!
So my words do have the power to stir someone's soul...
But i don think i can be anywhere near 'intellectualism'.

Deepa said...

Brain dead,
if u fall in love with a more attractive and sweeter person, then u cannot call the former feeling to be love.....and i have already told that it cud even be friendship and it is up to the two ppl. involved in that relation to decide.

Deepa said...

Thanks Karthik.

I considered my loneliness as an opportunity and posted my story...and I hope the readers don't see it as a bad phase as they are reading it.. ;)

Mini said...

Hmmm.....Deepa, i fell that ur blog has a kinda depressed feel certain times.

Hmmm... U talked abt. u getting close to people only when u sit with them or something like that. Well, i definately would like to say something...all of us dont become close with all we speak to... tht doesnt stop us from talking to people. We all chose our frens from the 10s and 20s of people we talk to. Juz be more articulate and open with people. If u talk to a 100 then maybe atleast u can find 3-4 good frens.

Another thing that u said...u get influenced by other's characteristics....well, tht everyone does.

So, dont let all these small reasons stop you from exploring people and making gr8 frens....

Deepa said...

Yea Mini...I shud try and come out of my shell to explore the world of people...

crsathish said...

hey deepa, pls. dont consider this as advice.u have just completed ur engineering.u can try to solve infosys puzzle and cts quanti.
u can try to learn some musical instrument.u can do ballae dancing. u can read lot of good books. tamil novels...remember this yr.gnana pit was bagged by mr.jayakanthan.
added more to this, u can watch good movies.

ada-paavi!!!! said...

there are those who walk the planet as loners, and i am a part of that tribe. dont agree with ur thoery bout ppl fallin in love.. and god..nice work though

Mani said...

little Sourashtra vocabulary ??

Deepa, What is Sourashtra vocab? Your name sounds Tamilian, Could you elaborate. Nice post though.

Mani

Anil said...

deepa,

The truth of life lies in finding activity in deepest of silence and silence in deepest of activities. I am a person who feels "I love loneliness". But its not an easy patner to reckon with.

The concept of your love, I am not a person who knows much about that. I take life as it comes and most of my feelings I keep for myself. When I feel that I need support i spend time with my computer or do something else. You may call it a run away but its the way I am.

Beeing all alone is not that bad. I think I am what i am because i am all alone. And I am very happy with what I am. It's leave you with enough space to think and to go deep into the essence of what I call the true pupose of life.

Niran said...

hi

niran said...

Hi Deepa,
This is the first time i am loggin on to a blog site. so i am not familiar with the etiquette. But when i read ur views abt loneliness, i felt compelled to pen down some lines bcos I am also labelled as a loner or a geek who loves his PC more than humans.


Read ur views abt being lonely. contrary to public belief, I Think there is nothing wrong in feeling lonely or preferring to be alone rather than with a group of friends with whom we dont really connect.
But I personally feel that being alone gives one time and the chance to reflect upon life and the chance to really see the beautiful things unfolding before us. like the smile of a child on the street, a streak of sunlight coming thro the windows, a sunset, a flower in all its glory. There are so many wonderful events happening all around us all the time.
So in fact being alone gives us the opportunity to view our life in the right perspective. We should live our life in the way it should be lived, a miracle.

Deepa said...

Hi o3one !

I'm sorry for the late response...
Totally agree with the line"I am what I am because I am all alone"

Deepa said...

Hi Niran!

Welcome to the blogworld!

I agree with u... U have put down exactly what I feel ... After coming to a new place and a new work environment ,meeting new people....I am glad I am Deepa and not like someone else...Keep visiting!!!