Main aur meri Tanhayi

My two roomies with whom I shared a good rapport have taken transfer to Chennai. Some would believe it is ‘coz they were so troubled with me around that they escaped to Chennai. And many others (including me) know that what some believe is not true.

Well, with other roomies too busy in their own cozy worlds, me and my ‘tanhayi’ are left to each other, once again.

So many tales, anecdotes, trains of thoughts…left unsaid, none find their way out of me, and instead, all find their ways to their graves in the very cradle they were born in.

There’s nobody around to listen to my PJs, to see me literally ROTFL till tears come in my eyes at the ‘situational jokes’, which only I seem to sense and start laughing along with me. Believe it or not…once, everyone in my room was laughing for more than 2 hours, just by seeing me laugh, without even knowing why I was laughing.

Sigh! Those were the good times…

Now, who do I tell what I dreamt the previous night (I dream every night)?Who will listen to my gyan on body language and psychology? Gone are those long discussions on our future, our career, our ambitions, our dreams and our lives after some years.

One would now often find me smiling to myself, of course when I’m alone in my room, thinking of the things that happened that day, my first impressions on some person I saw on road, some funny incident that happened to me or some one else we know; wanting to tell someone about all these things and when I realize that nobody is around to hear all of that, I sigh and erase all those doodlings from the blackboard of my mind.

Come soon, 2007!!! Looks like only you can give me some company, at least for a year ;-).

Who am I?

I feel so detached from my life and from myself.

The image I see in the mirror seems like a stranger to me. Even my own name sounds kinda familiar but at the same time alien enough to ask myself whose name is it?

Sometimes, I even ask myself what my name is and come to a conclusion, after a lot of reasoning, that since people around me call me Deepa and my identity cards also show the same name, I must be this person called Deepa. I find myself walking along with my physical form and see myself do things as if I am watching someone else.

It seems like I, Deepa (the identity) and the walking, talking, living form are 3 different entities, each on a different plane of existence.

Who or what am I?

Am I merely a soul stuck in this mortal form which is trudging along in this life as one of the seven births in the form of a human being?

I find myself wandering in this materialistic world without an ambition of my own or any purpose which is convincing enough to bring myself to “live” and not simply exist.

I wake up in the morning only to spend a few moments thinking of what I am doing here and what I should be doing, once the hard reality bangs me right on my head.

I feel like a lost soul which is loitering around waiting to complete some unfinished business without any idea of what that ‘unfinished business’ is.

The days are just passing by with the hope of the times when I would be living a life full of things that I am passionate about (now, a research needs to be done on what I am passionate about) and thinking of the times in my past when I was blue and laughing at it with this thought, attached with a sense of accomplishment -“eppidi iruntha naan, ippidi aayittaen!”

Is this just a passing phase or some kind of seasonal depression or do I really need to find who I am and the purpose of my living to live a meaningful life?

I really have no idea.